Saturday is a Special Day!

Saturday (16 April0  was really a beautiful day for me! Every Saturday I have a chance to work at the Jordan River Utah Temple. The shift coordinator was out of town, so she asked me if i would take care of her role at the temple. So the day was really busy - from about 4:15 AM until 11:30 AM, but it was also so wonderful. I was asked to do training in our preparation meeting and at the end, I had a chance to share my testimony of Jesus Christ. In that moment, I truly felt that He understands my quiet anxieties and fears perfectly and he knows me! I felt His love and it was sweet to me.

I was able to walk through the halls of the temple to check on the different areas and check in with different workers. I also had some quiet moments walking by some of the beautiful art work or in the stairwell and was able to reflect on so many things. My overall feeling is that everything is going to be ok! I'm going to be ok!

In the afternoon, I met Lori and she took me to find a beautiful journal for marking down important things. I also wanted to use it to write down little things that I notice and kind things people do.  Then we just talked and talked and talked. It was helpful to have someone to process things with. 

Candace was also super helpful to talk through experiences their family has had and things I need to be aware of. That was so kind of her to take the time to talk through everything. 

I am so grateful for each member of my family. Each has been a listening ear and a comfort and a strength.  There is belleza and gozo in family! May you find the same in your family today.

The Diagnosis

When the doctor found the mass, he sent a biopsy off to the lab. On Wednesday afternoon, I was in a Zoom meeting at work and the phone rang. I turned off my camera and my sound and it was the doctor. He said the results of the biopsy came back and it was cancer. 

I think at the moment I went into a little bit of shock. Cancer is not a word that you take lightly. I've known a lot of people who have gone through cancer treatments and the misery that it is. I didn't think it would ever be me. And there it was. 

I went back into my meeting and it was kind of a blur from there. I talked to Dad and Mom on the phone and let them know and then I went back into my office. I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about it with anyone else yet, but Steven called and I talked with him. He asked very specific questions and so we talked and I was able to share, and I was so grateful. He was such a comfort and a strength. He and Candace been there with Candace's mom as she went through treatments with colon cancer twice and had some great insights. More than anything else, he reminded me that we can do hard things well. Several people in our family have health issues. But we also have a lot of grit (he may have also used the word "stubbornness") and we also have faith. That was such a great reminder and such a support.

With each member of the family that I talked with, I felt an amazing amount of love and support. Each one would have been here in a minute if they could have. I cried when I talked to each person - not because of fear or because of sadness, but I really was touched by each of their expressions of love and concern. 

It has been so interesting to process what it means to have cancer. My body has felt so tired and so drained. It was interesting to think about how there was really no difference in my body from pre-colonoscopy to today, but it feels different. The mind is really incredible. 

After I got home, I glanced through my email and I had a message from a doctor named Mark Hyman that I regularly follow. He has an interesting podcast that I listen to every now and then. That day, his guest on his podcast was William Li. He does a lot of research on food and its effect on healing diseases in the body, including cancers, heart disease, and diabetes. There was a link to a TED Talk called Can We Eat to Starve Cancer? My interest was piqued and I watched. He talks about one of the body's defense systems - angiogenesis where our bodies create new blood flow to places when we need it and sometimes when we don't want it, as in the case of cancer tumors. He talks about foods that will turn on and turn off blood flow to certain areas and how that can starve cancer. I also downloaded his book Eat to Beat Disease: The New Science of How Your Body Can Heal Itself. It has been such an interesting book to consider. The body truly is a wonder. 

I felt that seeing that specific post at that specific moment was such a tender mercy and in that moment, the Spirit helped me to realize that I don't have to be a victim of cancer. I can be proactive in doing things that will create the best conditions possible in my body so that the cancer doesn't spread and so that my body can heal itself.  There are things I can control. I have agency and can use that agency "to act and not to be acted upon." That gave me hope!

This was a small moment that came at the end of a day that wasn't exactly how I planned, but in that moment, I knew that I was loved and I had hope. This small moment was both bella (beautiful) and a true moment of gozo (joy) for me. 

May your day be filled with small moments of belleza and gozo as well!

Leading up to a Colonoscopy

 For the longest time (years), I have had some digestion issues. I felt like when I ate better, my body did better and I didn't notice the problems. When I ate foods that were higher in sugar. or more refined foods, I noticed the problem more. I also noticed the issue when I was more stressed. Probably the two go hand-in-hand.  I never experienced any pain, but I did notice some blood in my stool. I was probably pretty naive and maybe a little stubborn. 

Every now and then I thought it would probably be a good idea to get it checked, but life was so busy that I just didn't take the time. So finally a couple of months ago, I decided it was time to get it checked out. I had noticed it seemed to be worse and it just felt more urgent this time. It didn't seem like it was going away as it had before. I don't really have a regular doctor to go to, so i just thought I would go straight to a gastroenterologist and talk to them to see what they might say.

I went on a Tuesday afternoon and he said that since it has been going on so long he anticipated it would likely be polyps in the colon that was causing it. He didn't seem to suspect cancer, so I walked away feeling really good - like it would be an easy fix. They were able to get me in to get a colonoscopy on Monday morning first thing, so I was grateful for that.

I wasn't really very excited about the colonoscopy prep - for a few days I needed to eat a very low-fiber diet - something I don't do very often. I like a lot of fresh vegetables and whole grains. So that was a challenge. But I made it. On Sunday I drank clear liquids only.

At noon I took a stool softener and things started moving in the afternoon. Then I drank a half-gallon of Miralax - a glass at a time every 15 minutes. So that worked out well until the sixth glass out of six. That one came up the same way it went down. But I was pretty well cleaned out by then. I woke up at 3:15 to drink the last two glasses and it went through fine. 

Lori was kind enough to come with me to drive me home after. After you do all the prep, the colonoscopy is pretty nice. They give you a nice shot through an IV. I don't think I saw her finish the injection before I was out. The next thing I knew they were waking me up. They gave me some juice and I was awfully thirsty so it tasted good. 

The doctor came in and brought me in the report with pictures of my colon all the way around. He was very surprised to find a mass in there, right inside the rectum.

Lori brought me home and was surprised how lucid I was. She laughed later and said I was a little loopier than normal and probably a little less guarded. :) But she was good to be with me until she was sure I was good. And I was just fine. 

Welcome to Belleza y Gozo

Dear Family and friends,

I am so grateful for each of you and for being a part of this new journey in my life with cancer! I want to use this blog as a way to share what is happening and things that I'm experiencing. 

The title of the blog is Belleza y Gozo. These are two words that I want to watch for and pay attention to along the journey. First is Belleza - a word in Spanish that means beauty. There is so much beauty in everyday life. I feel like the beauty we see is noticing and acknowledging Heavenly Father's hand in all that we do. 

Second is Gozo - a word in Spanish that means joy. I have loved President Nelson's quote when he said, "the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives (Joy and Spiritual Survival, October 2016). I hope to find joy that comes through Jesus Christ in this journey.

So here we go. 

May you find beauty and joy in your every day life...today.